Discover Balance Blog

The 20-Minute Wave: Why Fighting Your Urges Makes Them StrongerThat urge you're feeling right now? It's a wave, not a wall.

I see this pattern constantly in my practice. Clients arrive frustrated, sometimes ashamed, because they've tried everything to break a habit. They've used willpower. They've made promises to themselves. They've tried distraction, barrier methods, rewards systems. And yet, the urge returns. The habit persists.

"I don't understand," they tell me. "Why can't I just stop?"

Here's what I've learnt after 30 years of working with people across Europe, Asia, South America, and now Australia: fighting the urge is what makes it stronger.

Your Brain Isn't Broken

When you try to suppress an urge, fight it, or shame yourself for having it, you're actually reinforcing the very pattern you're trying to break. This isn't a character flaw. It's neuroscience.

Your brain is designed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. That's not weakness, that's survival wiring. When an uncomfortable urge arises, your instinct might be to either give in immediately or battle it with sheer willpower.

Research shows us that both approaches typically fail. Giving in reinforces the habit loop in your brain's reward system. Fighting it creates internal struggle that actually intensifies the urge.

There's a third option: urge surfing.

What the Research Tells Us
Urge surfing was developed by psychologists Marlatt and Gordon back in 1985, and the evidence supporting it has only grown stronger. Here's what we know:

Cravings and impulses typically last no longer than 20-30 minutes if left unmet. Their intensity naturally diminishes over time, rising, peaking, and falling like a wave.

Dr Jud Brewer, Director of Research and Innovation at Brown University's Mindfulness Center, has spent over 20 years studying how mindfulness changes our relationship with cravings. His research consistently shows that mindful awareness is the key to behaviour change for our craving minds. When you turn TOWARD the urge with curiosity instead of fighting it, you slow down the cycle of craving.

When craving arises, mindfulness practice can deconstruct the experience into cognitive, affective, and sensorial components. This reveals the craving's transitory nature and that it need not inexorably lead to action.

How Urge Surfing Works
The technique is deceptively simple, but profoundly effective:

Notice the urge without judgement. Don't fight it. Don't judge yourself for having it. Just notice: "There's that familiar pull."

Feel the physical sensations in your body. Where do you feel it? Tightness in your chest? Restlessness in your hands? A buzzing sensation somewhere? Get curious about the physical experience.

Watch the thoughts that arise. "I need this." "Just this once." "I can't stand this feeling." Notice these thoughts without believing them. You're having the thought that you need this, but you are not the thought.

Don't act on it just observe. You don't have to DO anything. The urge is a wave. Waves don't require action. Breathe. Stay present. Watch it.

Ride the wave until it passes. The wave will pass. It always does. Typically within 20-30 minutes.

Why This Matters for Your Whole Nervous System
What I find particularly powerful about urge surfing is how it honours your whole nervous system, not just your brain. When you're stressed or anxious, signals travel throughout your entire body via your gut-brain connection, through hormones, neurotransmitters, and immune signals.

This is why stress and digestive issues often go hand in hand with behaviours like nail-biting, skin-picking, hair-pulling, or compulsive eating. The behaviour isn't isolated to your brain, it's a whole-body response to nervous system dysregulation.

When you surf an urge rather than fighting it, you're teaching your entire nervous system that it's safe to feel discomfort without immediately needing to fix it. This is transformative work.

What I've Witnessed in Practice
I have seen remarkable shifts when clients learn to surf rather than fight. One client, struggling with chronic skin-picking, described it this way: "For the first time, I felt like I wasn't at war with myself. The urge came, and instead of panicking or giving in, I just... watched it. It was so strange. It peaked, and then it actually went away."

Another client dealing with compulsive shopping urges said: "I used to think the feeling would never end unless I bought something. Now I know it's just a wave. Twenty minutes. I can do twenty minutes."

The power isn't in eliminating the urges. The power is in changing your relationship with them.

The Connection to ACT and Mindfulness
This approach aligns beautifully with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) principles. ACT research shows that struggling against internal experiences makes them more persistent. When people abandon efforts to control unwanted thoughts and feelings, those experiences often become less problematic.

Acceptance doesn't mean giving in. It means acknowledging without judgement.
When mindfulness is applied without acceptance, research shows it can actually strengthen negative emotional reactions like anxiety and stress. But when we combine awareness WITH acceptance, we create the conditions for genuine change.

Practical Steps to Start SurfingIf you're ready to try this approach, here's what I suggest:
Start small. Practice with minor urges first, perhaps the urge to check your phone, before tackling bigger challenges.

Notice your patterns. What time of day do urges typically arise? What triggers them? Understanding your patterns helps you prepare.

Keep a simple log. Note when an urge arises, its intensity (1-10), how long it lasted, and whether you surfed successfully. This data is valuable, and seeing progress builds confidence.

Be patient with yourself. You're learning a new skill. Sometimes you'll surf successfully. Sometimes you'll fall off the board. Both are part of learning.

Consider professional support. Working with a hypnotherapist or counsellor trained in these approaches can accelerate your progress significantly. We can help you identify what needs the behaviour is meeting and install new patterns at the subconscious level.

The Urge Isn't the Enemy
After three decades of therapeutic work, here's what I know with certainty: your habits, urges, and compulsions aren't character flaws. They are your nervous system's attempt to regulate itself, to seek comfort, to manage overwhelm.

The struggle against them is what causes suffering.
When we stop fighting ourselves and start getting curious, genuine healing becomes possible. The urge isn't your enemy. The struggle is.

Next time an urge arises, try this: don't fight it, don't judge it, don't give in to it. Just surf it.

The wave will pass. It always does.

The Gut-Habit Connection: Why "Bad Habits" Might Be Your Body's Cry for Help
Have you ever wondered why that client who vapes insists it "calms them down" in a way that goes beyond the nicotine hit? Or why the nail-biter in your practice also struggles with IBS?
There's a connection that's often overlooked in therapeutic work: many of the "bad habits" we try to break are actually the nervous system's attempt to soothe gut distress.
This isn't just clinical observation. It's supported by growing research into the gut-brain axis and body-focused repetitive behaviours.

The Gut-Brain-Habit Triangle
We know about the gut-brain axis - that two-way communication superhighway between our digestive system and our brain. Johns Hopkins research describes the enteric nervous system (the network of nerves in your gut) as a "second brain" - over 100 million nerve cells lining your digestive tract. Its main job is controlling digestion, but it's in constant conversation with the brain in your head.
When the gut is distressed - inflamed, imbalanced, or simply uncomfortable - it sends urgent alarm signals up the vagus nerve to the brain. Research shows that irritation in the gut can trigger mood changes, with up to 30-40% of people experiencing digestive problems at some point.
The brain responds: "We need to do something NOW to feel better." And what does it reach for? The fastest, most reliable feel-good hit it knows.

Who Would Have Thought?
Vaping and gut soothing? Yes. Whilst we know the dangers of vaping, research reveals nicotine's surprising anti-inflammatory properties. Studies show nicotine can temporarily reduce inflammation in the gut, particularly in conditions like ulcerative colitis. It works by activating specific receptors on immune cells, which then dial down the inflammatory response. This creates a genuine physiological calming effect that goes beyond the psychological aspects of addiction.

Nail-biting linked to IBS? Absolutely. A 2018 study found that over 12% of college students showed signs of problematic body-focused repetitive behaviours (BFRBs), with many also reporting chronic digestive symptoms. The rhythmic oral stimulation and distraction these behaviours provide can offer temporary relief from gut discomfort.

Skin-picking and digestive issues? More common than you'd think. Research shows that people with BFRBs often have unusual sensory processing - they're seeking specific tactile sensations. The focused attention required for picking can shift awareness away from uncomfortable gut sensations, whilst the physical feedback provides a sense of control when the gut feels chaotic.

When Your Nervous System Is Seeking Relief
Understanding Polyvagal Theory transforms how we see these habits. Many "bad habits" are actually nervous system regulation strategies - attempts to move from a distressed state (often triggered by gut discomfort) back to safety and calm.

A 2023 study found strong genetic links between IBS and anxiety, neuroticism, depression, and insomnia. This suggests common biological pathways between gut disorders and nervous system problems. Four of the six genes implicated in IBS are also heavily involved in anxiety and mood disorders.

Recent research from 2024-2025 further confirms this connection. A January 2025 systematic review analysing gut bacteria in people with depression and anxiety found significant differences in their gut microbiome compared to healthy individuals. Additionally, a 2025 study examining psychological symptoms in inflammatory bowel disease confirmed that disruptions in the brain-gut-microbiome communication may explain why digestive diseases and mental health issues so often go hand-in-hand.
When your gut is uncomfortable:

• Your "social engagement" nervous system (the calm, connected state) goes offline
• You might shift into anxiety and restlessness, or shutdown and disconnection
• Your brain desperately seeks any strategy to return to safety and calm
• Enter the "bad habit" - nail-biting, vaping, skin-picking, hair-pulling

The habit isn't the problem. It's the solution. Just not a very good one.
The Missing Piece: Gut Microbiome and Brain Chemistry
When clients understand that their gut produces 90% of the body's serotonin (the "happy chemical") and is in constant communication with the brain, they start to see their habits differently.
The gut bacteria influence the very same brain chemical systems involved in BFRBs - including dopamine (the reward chemical), serotonin (the mood chemical), and others that regulate our emotional state and impulse control.

Groundbreaking 2024-2025 research reveals even more about this connection. Scientists have discovered that the gut bacteria produce special compounds called short-chain fatty acids (SCFAs) when they digest fibre. These compounds don't just stay in the gut - they travel to the brain and play crucial roles in regulating mood, reducing brain inflammation, and even changing how our genes express themselves.
Most remarkably, a 2025 clinical trial showed that when people with ulcerative colitis (a gut inflammatory condition) were given one of these compounds (butyrate), both their gut symptoms AND their psychological symptoms (depression and anxiety) improved significantly. This directly demonstrates the gut-mind connection in humans.

Why This Matters for Your Practice
If you're only addressing the habit without understanding the gut connection, you're missing a crucial piece of the puzzle.
The Traditional Approach:

• Use willpower and habit-breaking techniques
• Client manages for a while, then relapses
• Everyone feels frustrated

The Gut-Informed Approach:

• Explore digestive issues alongside the habit
• Address BOTH gut health AND habit patterns
• Client experiences lasting change because you've addressed the root need

When you understand both frameworks:

• You address the root cause (gut distress)
• You interrupt the learned patterns (habit techniques)
• You install new neural pathways (identity-based change)
• You support nervous system regulation
• You create lasting, compassionate change

The Compassion Factor
Perhaps most importantly, understanding the gut-habit connection removes shame.
When a client realises: "Oh, I'm not weak or broken. My body has been trying to regulate itself. My gut has been uncomfortable, and my brain found the fastest solution it knew" - everything shifts.
Shame blocks change. Compassion opens it.

The Evidence Is Overwhelming
A 2025 analysis of randomised controlled trials examining whether transferring healthy gut bacteria to people with depression could help (faecal microbiota transplantation) looked at 12 studies with 681 participants. The findings were striking: transplanting healthy gut bacteria significantly reduced depressive symptoms. Even more remarkably, the opposite was also true - when gut bacteria from people with psychiatric conditions were transplanted into healthy recipients, those recipients began showing similar symptoms.

The gut-brain-habit connection is real, it's common, and it's something every practitioner should understand.
Questions to Reflect On
For your practice:

• How many of your habit-change clients also have digestive issues?
• How many of your gut-health clients also have BFRBs or other repetitive behaviours?
• What would change if you addressed both simultaneously?

Deepening Your Understanding
This integrated approach is why I'm passionate about practitioners learning both frameworks.

The Breaking Bad Habits Workshop (31st January 2026) teaches you how to work effectively with BFRBs and other stubborn habits using evidence-based techniques including NLP Swish Pattern, Compassionate Habit Redesign, and Gestalt Empty Chair work - all informed by the latest neuroscience on dopamine, reward prediction, and identity-based change.
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The Mind Gut Health workshops (28th February and 1st March 2026) gives you the tools to understand and address  essential knowledge for practitioners who want to help clients heal at the root level. Looking at  their behaviours, emotions and physical symptoms.
Together, these programmes equip you to see the whole picture and create lasting change for your clients.
Because sometimes the path to breaking a bad habit runs straight through healing the gut.