Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves - And How Do We Stop?

Overcoming Self-Doubt and Quieting the Inner Critic
Most of us know that nagging internal voice, the one that whispers (or shouts), "You're going to mess this up."
That voice isn't just annoying. It's exhausting. And for many, it's deeply ingrained.
So where does it come from? And more importantly, how do we stop it?

The Primitive Brain and the Modern Mind
When we are operating from the “primitive brain” - the part wired for threat and survival - we tend to suffer. Anxiety, depression, and anger are common emotional symptoms.
But the toll is physical too, and could include:

• Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)
• Hypervigilance
• Rumination
• Sleep disruption
• Repetitive negative behaviours
• Feelings of low self-worth

 
We evolved to belong. Thousands of years ago, being accepted by our tribe was key to survival. That meant staying alert to social threats, like shame, rejection, or exclusion.
Fast-forward to today, and those same patterns are often triggered by far less dangerous but equally stressful circumstances: exams, work pressure, or even a single piece of feedback.

Case Insight: Client F and the Fear of Failing (Again)
One of my clients, let’s call him Client F , came to me terrified of failing an important exam. Again.
He was competent. Capable. Intelligent.
But his mind kept looping: "What if I fail?"
He couldn’t shake the fear or silence the inner critic, even though deep down he knew he could do the job.
This is what rumination looks like in action.

According to the American Psychological Association, rumination is “obsessional thinking involving excessive, repetitive thoughts or themes that interfere with other forms of mental activity.”
It can:

• Prolong and intensify depression
• Worsen anxiety
• Disrupt sleep
• Fuel chronic stress and inflammation
• Lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like impulsive behaviour or substance use

 
Breaking the Habit: What Actually Helps
Overcoming self-doubt isn't about pretending the thoughts aren't there. It’s about changing your relationship with them. Here are a few strategies I often share in practice:

1. Journaling as a Pattern Interrupter
Writing things down externalises the inner critic.
Notice the trigger. Write it out. No filter.
The act of journaling alone has been shown to reduce emotional intensity and help with problem-solving.

2. Bring in Gentle Humour
Another client, M, found that when she brought humour into her negative thoughts, naming them, even playfully mocking them, it gave her space to choose a different response.
The more she practiced, the more empowered she felt.
It’s not about dismissing your feelings; it’s about disarming the fear with gentleness.

3. Re-Parenting the Inner Voice
One client struggling with severe anxiety began visualising himself as a child when the negative self-talk flared.
Instead of berating himself, he’d imagine stroking that child’s hair, offering reassurance:
“You’re safe. I’m here. You don’t have to carry this alone.”
This practice created a powerful emotional shift and built new neural patterns rooted in compassion rather than fear.

Why It Works: Neuroplasticity and Hope
The beauty of the brain is that it can change. Thanks to neuroplasticity, we now know that with repetition and intention, we can rewire thought patterns, unlearn limiting beliefs, and reframe how we relate to ourselves.
Self-doubt doesn’t have to be your story.
With curiosity, compassion, and conscious tools, we can move toward a new narrative,  one where the voice inside supports us, rather than stops us.

If you’ve been feeling stuck in cycles of overthinking, low confidence, or anxiety, know this: your thoughts are not the enemy. But they do need your attention - and your kindness.
Want more tools? Contact [email protected] for free visualisations, audio sessions, and resources that support the journey back to self-trust.